An Open Letter to Former President Donald John Trump
July 30, 2021
Donald John Trump
1100 S. Ocean Blvd.
Palm Beach, FL 33480
Dear Donald:
Congratulations on your election results! To be honest, I expected a bigger losing number than the final 306 to 232 Electoral College tally, so nice job keeping the margin tighter than I expected. It must be tough on your fragile ego to lose an election by a whopping 7 Million votes — I’ve got GOOD NEWS! there’s always a new chance to get back on the winning team. So, In the spirit of bi-partisanship, I’ve got a WINNING proposition for YOU.
I want to re-name the Covid-19 vaccine after YOU! The “Donald John Trump Covid Vaccine!”
I don’t want to dwell on your abysmal record combating the Covid-19 pandemic. I don’t even want to talk about your LIES about the virus, your attempts to downplay it, or even the lack of any real leadership from your administration during this once-in-a-generation crisis. The facts are inescapable: Over 400,000 Americans died from COVID-19 by the time you left office and A LOT OF PEOPLE are saying that if you hadn’t totally bungled the pandemic there would have been a lot more people alive to vote for you.
That gets us to where we are today. President Biden has done what you failed to do: acted like a decent and caring human being. He didn’t hold super-spreader campaign rallies or push door-to-door campaigning — it may have cost him votes, but it saved lives. He’s been following the advice of public health experts and leading by example. That meant social distancing, mask wearing and most important of all — getting vaccinated. He even let the press watch him get the vaccine when it was his turn.
Under President Biden’s leadership over 187 Million Americans have received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine (that’s close to 69% of the U. S. adult population). In case you have forgotten, only 13.5 Million Americans had been vaccinated by the time you left office (way below your administration’s own goal of 35 Million). What’s got me scratching my head is that you were one of the first people who got the vaccine in January — even before you left office! However, it took us until March to get confirmation from your staff that you received the life-saving vaccine while you were still the Russian backed President of the United States. Maybe you were distracted by your SECOND IMPEACHMENT or perhaps it was because you were BANNED from Facebook AND Twitter for inciting an INSURRECTION, but it sure would have been nice for you to call a good old fashioned press conference and share the good news of your vaccination with the country you swore to protect and defend.
I’ve worked for two different presidential administrations. First for Vice President Al Gore and then for President Obama (that guy you falsely accused of being born in Kenya). Because of my positions working with both administrations, I know that whenever a President does anything remotely important — [staring directly at the sun without eye protection during a solar eclipse, mugging for the cameras with brutal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un or refusing to wear a mask while you were STILL positive for Covid-19] — an official photographer captures the image. Indeed, as President, you had a team of official photographers to document every meeting, handshake or FAILED COUP ATTEMPT. So I KNOW there is a photo of you getting that vaccine. When I got the vaccine I posted the photo online — one of the perks of NOT being banned from social media due to “the risk of further incitement of violence.”
So here’s the problem. Despite President Biden’s hard work to promote the Covid-19 vaccine (which is FREE, SAFE and incredibly EFFECTIVE at preventing Covid-19), a big chunk of those millions of Americans who voted for YOU refuse to get vaccinated (probably in large part due to the FAKE NEWS, misinformation, and outright lies being spread by your friends at FOX News, NEWSMAX, and Q-Anon). I’d really like to help our economy by stopping the spread of the virus and preventing more Americans from dying from COVID. This is where YOU come in!
So here’s the deal… If you release the photo of you getting the Covid-19 vaccine (from over six months ago), I’ll pay you $100 and we’ll start calling it the “Donald John Trump Covid Vaccine!” We can take care of the money by check, Venmo (ask Rep. Matt Gaetz how that works) or cash YOUR choice! It’s a WIN-WIN. You’ll get $100 and a vaccine named after you plus a lot more folks will get vaccinated when they see that YOU also did your part to help prevent the spread of Covid-19.
Now I know this deal won’t help erase the sting of your crushing defeat at the polls, but won’t it be nice to know that you can still help keep some of your supporters alive? From the way things are looking, you’ll need every voter you can get in 2024. And I’ve learned this universal truth during my time in elected office — if your supporters are dead, they can’t vote for you.
Sincerely,
Senator Wiley Nickel
P.S. If you’re still reading this letter (A) I’m really surprised because there are no pictures and too many words and (B) I really wanted to offer up a deal for that photo where I would author legislation to officially name the Pfizer, Moderna, and J&J vaccines the “Donald John Trump Covid-19 vaccines” in North Carolina… but that would be an illegal quid pro quo (see your FIRST IMPEACHMENT for what that means). The whole point of this letter (which by now you’re probably realizing is not very sincere) is to try and encourage folks to do exactly what YOU did way back in January — GET VACCINATED AGAINST COVID-19.
